1. Do you still love him?
Yes I do. I gave him all my heart because I thought it would last forever and I was wrong. So it’s kind of hard to take back my whole heart. Still trying tough..
2. Do you still want to be with him?
No. Not really. Yeah I just don’t.
I said I still love him but remembering how he treats me during the relationship I choose not to be with him
4. How did he treat you?
He was really sweet and nice at first but as the time goes he became so careless to me
5. Does it hurt you?
Oh yes. I cried a lot to think of those things but then I realized maybe it’s just his attitude so did not mean that he did not love me. So I tried to accept things but yeah still leads to a break up
6. So I heard he asked you to marry him in 2014, but you refuse that. Is that true?
To clarify this, I did not refuse nor say yes. I wanted to marry him but I was just not sure it would be in 2014. It was a stupid opinion if he thought that I did not want to marry him, Every girl’s dream is to be married with someone she loves.
7. Do you regret that you have finally leave him?
I do not regret I think. Well I’m just not sure but I guess it’s for the better.
8. So why do you cry almost every night and days?
Haha yeah I know it’s stupid but I just feel like I have lost part of me which I really love. You know I used to communicate with him really intense everyday, meet him at least once in a week, tell all of my problem to him etc and now it’s all gone. So I am trying to adjust my life with that lost. I guess that what’s make me sad all day
9. Do you think this sadness would last forever?
Oh please just don’t. I believe it is just for a couple of weeks or maybe months (at the longest). I just can’t stand being this fragile. Time will heal all wounds
10. Are you sad because he is with somebody now?
Of course, I just couldn’t imagine he holds another hands except me but he moves on very quick and I am the one who left behind.
11. Do you think he cheated on you?
Yeah sometimes because he was the one who were very cranky to have a break with me, he forgets me and can be settling with someone that quick. But again, it is too late to confront those things. I just want to forget.
12. Tell me your ways to set you free from all this?
Well I know I can’t just keep him being miserable with no partner. I know he wanted to be marry so he needs a partner. I can’t be too selfish not wanting him to be with anyone. So if I think he is happy now, it’s like all my sadness is washed away because I know he is happy although it is not with me. I just hope he picks the right girl who can accept him the way he is. He can’t be sad anymore.
13. Do you write this with tears?
Of course not. This is very straight forward, honest, and logic so I need my mind to be focus. If I cried, there will be more of my fragile feelings will come
14. So, If you meet him now, what would you do?
Cry and run haha! You know I miss him so much so he can’t see me cry. Moreover if he with his girl now.
15. Okay if you meet him just later that now, what would you do?
Maybe I would say: Hey bro, how are you? How’s life?!
16. Do you this his girl now better than you?
As a narcissistic, I would say no haha
17. What do you hope about their relationship?
As I said above, I hope that he is happy. And I just hope she can behave, just dress properly and treat him right. Hope she is the one that could make him closer to Allah and make him a better person.
18. Still no tears?
OF COURSE. ARE YOU NUTS? I’M FULL OF SANITY AND NOW I AM LAUGHING HAHA
19. If she does not treat him like the way you hope, what would you do?
I kill that bitch uupppss
20. Are you feeling better now?
Yeah A LOT BETTER
21. Your next plan fro your life?
I want to study abroad, leave this country for a while, refresh my mind, meet a new people, study new things etc. Just wish me luck to this chevening
22. Have you prepared it yet?
It’s in progress, My target is the personal statement will be done tonight
23. If you meet another nice man who wants to be with you, are you ready to be in the relationship again?
Not that fast, I am still recovering. But it doesn’t mean that I’m closing the door, but if there is a guy who really loves me, he will make the effort. I believe that Allah have prepared me with that wonderful guy, it is just a matter of time.
24.Do you learn something from your past relationship?
Not only just learn, I changed to be stronger and loving person. And don’t forget the break up, it will be a valuable lesson for me too
25. It means no regret that you had this relationship with him?
At first I was regretted this because I can’t stand the pain he left. But yeah I was wrong, it’s valuable experience
26. I guess I have asked everything and you answered it nicely and honestly. Good luck on your chevening because I think it is great if you could leave the country a while and breathe in a new fresh air!
THANKSSS. I AM A HAPPY GIRL NOW.. ;))))
Hello guys! I am back with a really great mood because I just found a song from a band which I really love. Here I embedded a video from Last Dinosaurs called “Weekend”.
The question would be: who is Last Dinosaurs? when did I notice them? why now I am really kind of crazy about their song?
so it was this week that I was with my father in a car on my way to office. we were listening to a local radio and out of the blue there it came a wonderful catchy tune. I was completely curious about the song and the band so I listened the lyric carefully then wrote it down on my blackberry so after I came to the office I could use the lyric to find the song. and YES it’s Last Dinosaurs! They are an indie rock/power pop band from Brisbane, Australia. I have not listened to their other songs but the song that gets me so crazy about it is called “weekend”, the song that I noticed on the radio.
It’s not kind of a love song thing but the tune and lyric are definitely sounds romantic to me. please find the live video as embedded. you can also listened for the studio version on youtube. here is the reason why I describe the lyric as extremely romantic:
On the weekend
You’ll find your way and lose it again
You know, now I’ve told you
That your head is much more bent,
With her voice she said
I’d die for you anyday
My life’s over anyway
Lets go to the empty park and talk till it’s really dark
In the day time we’ll think about the sun until it sets
Ooooh Ooooh Ooooh Ooooh
You notice a difference, in the way we comprehend
With her voice she said
I’d die for you anyday
My life’s over anyway
Lets go to the empty park and talk till it’s really dark
I’ll take you to the park
I’ll take you to the ocean
I’ll kiss you till it’s dark
Go through all the motions
(Can we, make the world go round x2)
I’ll take you to the park
I’ll take you to the ocean
I’ll kiss you till it’s dark
Go through all the motions
see? that feel that!
when I listen to this song I feel like this is the perfect soundtrack for running away with a lovely man and then we go to the park and ocean. after all we talk about everything until dark and we fell asleep together.
oh boy, I need to find a man who resembles it well!
I know I am not writing for a quite sometime, but never think that now I giving up on writing. never!
you know, now I am navigating two blogs. first blog is here on tumblr where I can share EVERYTHING from music, feelings, love life, friends, study and all. the second blog that I run is here http://unematinee.wordpress.com/. you can check it out if you like, of course that I will be super excited if you want to stop by and take a look or maybe leave some comments. claim me a free cookie after you get in my second blog. so what’s behind this cheating by running two blogs? why not focusing on writing everything here on tumblr? well, I love tumblr but I think I just need to have a real focus to write a serious thing. again, so what is a serious thing? okay, if you already have a look to my second blog which has the same name as this, you may see that the motive that I made it is for making a series of documentation of how I progress to achieve my ultimate GOAL called SCHOLARSHIP. actually, I know I can write those series in tumblr but I just don’t want to merge that series with my other random stories here. like I always said, if I accomplish the goal, I want that blog to be as a record to inspire people on how a decent ordinary girl could get a scholarship abroad and never give up her big dreams. wish me luck guys!
and for the updates for my previous post… mmmmm… I don’t think that I have a thing to share. all I know is he is stuck with his thesis which is due in september and he still has no clue on when it is going to finish so there is not many updates on his social media. if you ask my feelings to him? yes the flame is on but everyday it is getting extinguished. and for another update, I think he is still single. my concern is he is going to be back on this country on september. as far as I know, his study is sponsored my ministry of transportation which means that if he comes back, he has to pay back to the ministry by serving as public servant there. you know what it means? it means that he has to be settling in jakarta not in jogjakarta. from that explanation, we can get a conclusion that THERE IS A CHANCE FOR ME TO GET TO KNOW HIM PHYSICALLY. YES THERE IS.
what else left to tell?
I am blank so we should finish by here. don’t worry guys, I am trying to write here as frequent as possible.
I THINK I JUST DID A FATAL MISTAKE! HELPP MEEEEEEH…
I was dating someone
I was hooking up with someone
I was seeing someone
oooonly heaven knooows~ *music plays*
Okay first of all I know it is super weird for me and of course for you all guys that I’m listening to such a crybaby old romantic song! I know that is not my usual type of song to listen and I don’t know what to explain but this is the song that really fits to my feelings at the very moment. Well yeah, Saturday night, alone, and recently heart broken!
Sad… sad… sad!
More than two weeks of cold war and it’s still going. Yeah, that’s what’s happening to me and my BF (I don’t even know if I’m still allowed to call him BF anyway but to ease the whole writing things just call him my BF). I was away of the city for two weeks because my office sent me to training camp or whatsoever. While still there, in the middle of the week, he just upset me because he did not even text me for days and even I texted him but did not get the reply. I was really annoyed and asked him to explain the whole thing, so then here it is to sum up what he said: “he feels that we always fight each other because we just waaay to stubborn for each other. So that means we do not fit to each other anymore and let’s talk about this after I come back to the city.”
Such a punch in the face for me to know that the only guy you’ve been thinking about every day just said that so…
So then after I have done with all of the things and came back to the city, I asked him to meet. We talked deeply to each other and even I cried in front of him just to conclude that we should not be seeing each other for some time to think what we have done wrong in our relationship. Actually it was his idea to go on such a silent between us because I always think that there’s no problem in us, we tend to forget everything easily after a fight so what’s done it’s done. To go on a silent mode it is not a great idea because the more we enjoy our time to be alone would just make us comfortable being not in each other company. For me, I’m starting to feel It’s all right to be single. Why so afraid? God will find a better man for me or If I have to live my life as a single fighter then I’ll find the way. I’m a strong girl and I’ll try to strive in every circumstances. I don’t ask God why God gave me such a miserable life path but if that’s the path I should be walking, I’ll make it as comfortable as possible.
I don’t know how long we would be like this but I’ll try to manage that if this is the end just end it good. Don’t leave me hanging with nothing or no one to hold on to. So I think next week I will text to him that I’m happy at my own and I don’t want to be in any relationship with him anymore. That’s that.
I’m writing this with no tears seriously. Probably I’m just too good to be single again :p
I should have not written it here. I have got a lot to tell on my “serious blog” about my scholarship progress but I think this matter should be first to express since I feel it is going to explode any soon if I don’t find a way to release it.
Yes it is about this guy named i-kay-ou, whatever you name it. I want to just say it out loud by mentioning him clearly here because he has been driving me mad recently. Mad about him! It’s not like I mad at him or sort of something that full of hatred and stuff. But it’s more like my fondness of him is getting out of my control. Sometimes he is just a flash that I do not reckon but most of the time, he is catching my attentions, like ALWAYS…
Oh dear you guy, who are you? you know I suffer everyday just to find out who you are and our chance to get to know each other. it is very painful to see you sending tweets to other girls and asking them if there is any of them who have friends to be hooked up with you. why you just don’t look up to your twitter following and followers? there is a girl name ****** who adores you so much, so very available to befriend, and she is not bad, not bad at all. WHY JUST WHY YOU DON’T NOTICE? feel free to stalk her because she is also a stalking master so she would not mind if somebody else does the same thing vice versa to her. especially if YOU who stalk her. she would have jumped over her bed, thrusting her fist into the air because she knows you have an interest to her.
the thing that makes me convinced that we are destined to be together is because we got A LOT of things in commons. we are separated by miles and estranged because we don’t know each other. well for me, those such things don’t mean anything because we share something that I can’t tell about precisely but it exists. mostly I gathered this facts from his twitter but tweets actually a description of mind so it is not just a twitter status but a sound of heart (what am I talking about?). back to the blue, this is what we share:
1. he might be depressed just to find out someone, just like me. see his tweets, he talks and jokes a lot about that. SAME
2. he mentioned opor ayam on his tweets earlier then when I got home, I warmed my opor ayam and you know what I left it for exceeded minutes so it burned! SAME
3. He craves for salted fish a.k.a ikan asin and it is just my everyday craving. SAME
4. Our common talks are similiar, examples: sungkem, busway, joking about days, on the same day as I talked about that also. SAME
5. He hates taking a shower. it completely depicts my character. SAME
6. He loves train. SAME
7. We tweeted: searching for … is as hard as finding the true one.. that dots, mine is taxi and he is data. SAME
8. AND MORE I SUPPOSE
SO what else that you deny. the fate says so.
my silly imagination is: he is going to be back on September - he is going to work in a ministry that supported his study in the UK and it is in Jakarta so he does not have to be settled in Jogja - on the way during making his career here, he is going to have a business relation who happens to be me - first, we are in an intense contact for work but then it grows to be having more passionate feelings - we begin as a couple then be married happily ever after. wow, I am writing a script of my love life! I hope this is something that ALLAH SWT approve.
oh well I am yawning so hard that I dozed. I guess it is a real bedtime after a hectic day.
sign out! I am going to write here and the cheating blog REAL SOON LIKE MAYBE TOMORROW. promise!
okay for now let’s be serious for sometime. I need to think about how it would be if I keep admiring him like this. well oh wait, who is him that I just mentioned? please read my previous post if you want know (I bet none of you wants).
I know I am losing my sanity a bit lately. You know being in love with a person whom can be considered as non-existent is totally a moronic idea. so it was yesterday that I discovered him sending tweets to ‘friend of my friend’ (go to the previous post and for now I will label her as “X”). I was absolutely upset imagining if he tells X that there is a super random girl who stalk him on facebook and twitter whom happens to be a a friend of X’s friend.
you know what he tweeted yesterday to X? so it was like this, he asked: “hey, how about the progress of things that I was asked you this morning”. yes I was nearly losing my breath yesterday when I saw him sending tweets like that to X. I was really afraid that he asked about me (NO WAY). but phew! things are okay. he does not have anything to be curious with me. all he was asking is he wanted a little help about his research for his thesis.
also, I just discovered this afternoon that he has a blog, well practically a mute blog since it is only four posts happened to be there. so what does he write there? he writes about transportation! I am not understating or putting him on discredit but he writes his blog in a very decent English and I feel like it is so heartwarming and humble to stop by a minute and reading his posts. yeah unfortunately he only has four of it. from the blog, I knew that his study in the university is sponsored by one of my country ministry. as he mentioned on his blog that he did not chose railway engineering as his major but the ministry chose it. at first he was not so interested in railway but it was not until he got in the university. so finally he loves it! how sweet! I love seeing a guy who loves his things much and he is being passionate with it. so sexy!
again, I always look things from the possibilities. so now how much possibility of me being with him? I have said this before it is zero chance but if you want to think it logically, there’s a point to reveal. actually if I really desperate to be with him I can tell my friend to tell X that I really love him. but I am sane enough not to do that thing.
on another side, this morning I shuffled my ipod so it would be a random selection of music to be played. you know what my ipod picked to accompany my way to office? it was I Knew I Loved You by Savage Garden! crazy! okay before I am being fussy about things, here’s the caption of the lyric:
"Maybe it’s intuition
But some things you just don’t question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I’ve found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe
I knew I loved you before I met you”
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MY FEELINGS RIGHT KNOW. yes being in love with somebody I have not met but I already know that I am so in love with him. and like I said before it is up to you to say that I am a lunatic but although this is a little crazy but I BELIEVE.
secondly, that Savage Garden’s video was taken on a TRAIN! Yes that describes what he likes actually because he is a railway student and so in love with his things. I am hoping that he would be like Darren Hayes who was aware that he is being admired though he does not know the admirer. so please take a glimpse to my social network account and send me words of greetings. I am completely clueless on how to start everything with you but I already had the moves by adding you on social network so now it is your turn to see me. who knows if I have something that you looking for, if I don’t then you already struggle to find your true one and it does not happen to be me. but I really feel that Savage Garden’s song was really meant to be for us. like I am sure that in his eyes, I see my future in an instant! (whoops) whatever! so I need to see how the fate works towards us. if Allah set him as the one for me, no matter how we are apart and how many mazes surround us, we will be one. I hope…
before I tell what’s behind the title of this post, let me share something…
actually I don’t want to put this two stories together because the first thing I want to tell you is a complete idiotic irony and It will contradict my silly beautiful story number two but I will try my best to express these things.
STORY NUMBER ONE
you know I have told you so many times about this ridiculous stupid guy that happens to be my office mate. Okay to be brief, he started a fling with me - he did some flings also with other girls without my awareness - he dumped me - he went out with the other girl - he broke up with this other girl - he flirts again with me.
okay that was a brief chronology about this moronic thing that ever happen to me. so what do you think? well for my defence, I am not such a thing to be played with. you know you already get rid of me. I don’t care about your current situation now but if the you beg me to be the same way as I used to be, then I’ll say: I AM NOT THAT STUPID YOU IDIOT.
STORY NUMBER TWO
I am smiling again to tell you this story! :)))
finally I am so happy to be head over heels again! if an oldman says love does not reckon time place and physical contact, I believe it’s an absolute truth (which oldman says this). you know I am so happy that I am now really in love with this guy whom I have never met or talked to. even he does not realise that I am exist. after all regardless all those circumstances, I am so relieved to know that he is SINGLE and to know that I have someone to admire again.
Here goes the story…
It started when I went to facebook account of my education agent from England. she is responsible to handle all the promotions including education fair, student admission etc of the University (name of University to be disguised) in Southeast Asia (why am I giving you this details?! I don’t know what am I thinking about right know like I just want to express everything!). so as the applicant of that University, that leads me to have close contact with her through email, twitter, facebook and etc.
back to the blue, when I opened her account I saw many of her facebook friends are the University students from my country. I was completely curious to stalk them one by one just to know how is it like to be a student from my country in my dream campus. at first it was genuinely done for that reason but later on I found another interesting side of that activity which is I found a guy who is so really attractive.
well, when I say attractive, I don’t mean by only good-looking, there might be several aspects which support my opinion. here I make a list of what makes me so into him:
1. he is studying railway engineering at my ultimate goal university
2. his bachelor is granted from one of prominent university in my country
3. he looks nice and humble on every pages of his social media
4. he seems pious and religious
5. I just recently discovered that HE IS SINGLE and looking for somene (
6. he follows me back on twitter which gives me a little thrill like.. okay this should be told later on
those are things I adore about him when I stalk him online (errr WHAAAT?!). yeah I admit I knew all those things by stalking him online on facebook and twitter. so to secure my position, well I mean to keep things going I decided to follow him on twitter. my first intention was clear, just in case if he locked his twitter I can still keep him monitored. AAANNDDD YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?! he requested to follow me back on twitter. I would never expect to have him following me since I know he is got 700 something followers and just follows 200 something person. so there is no way for him to even realise that he is being followed by me. but then what I have got? A FOLLOWING REQUEST FROM HIM? yes I locked my account so nobody would ever stalk me as much as they want so he has to wait on my respond for sometime. I was completely hysterical when I knew that I have a follower request whom happened to be him. CRAZY! why would he follow me? does he have curiousity on me or it was just his nature to follow everyone whom follows him. but if it happens to be the second reason, he would have had the equal amounts of followers and followings. OH MY GOD I AM SO CONFUSED!
likely there’s nothing behind this but I really hope that something will happen to us which set the fate that he is my future meant to be… *wake up girl!*
then another madness that I have done today is by adding him on my facebook friends. okay that was one of a hell giant step for me. yes it is crazy adding random guy whom I don’t know at all. so I added him and several of his University friends so it is not really visible that my only target is him. by the time I clicked added to friend to him and several of his university friends, by the second of it he was the first to confirm me as a friend. and again I was completely hysterical wondering what I have been doing?! how dare am I to do such action without any further thinking?!
well all I can think now is what was done is done. there will be minor bad sides if I befriended him on facebook and twitter. on contrary it will constitute many good and positive sides for me since I can stalk him without feeling afraid that I can’t access his account and I can learn on his experience as a student from my country in my dream University. if I were being forced to think the negative side maybe I am just afraid that my hidden motives behind this is discovered by any of my friends. like it would be a smash in the face if one of my friends knows that I did add some of random people and facebook and twitter just because I love him and the love comes only by information I have got from social media. that would be an ultimate stupid things ever. as for your information, I also just discovered that he has a mutual friend of friends of mine so it is like I have a friend who has a friend and the friend of my friend is his twitter and facebook friend (did I confuse you?!)
so that might sound stupid but makes me smile all day. you know by just thinking of him makes me feel like it’s flowery whenever I walk now. I feel like he is on my sight although on the fact he is thousand miles away without knowing who I am.
If I have to think the possibilities to meet him in person, it would be zero chance. as from information I stalked, he lives in different city with me and there would be no way that he would be here in the city where I live. even if I get to study in the University in 2013 (AMIN), he would be not in the UK anymore since he should be graduated from his postgraduate study this year. so if there is no fate between us, there is no way for me and him to encounter physically. so all I can do now is admiring him on social media and thinking of how is it like to be with him every night before I sleep.
so you think I am a lunatic now? you decide! :p